Please, Forever?

It feels like only yesterday, that she was a young woman, slender and beautiful, blithe and gleaming.
It feels like only yesterday, that I cozily fit in her arms, safe and sound.
Even if we don’t acknowledge it out loud, this person is definitely the most important person in our lives.
When I was 5, I said “You’re the baddest!” in front of loads of people. And I meant it. She hugged me.
At 10, I swear I felt all she wanted was my doom. She loved me through the new found anger.
 I was 12 when I went through lots of bad days, dark days.
Only her.
Always.
At nearly 17, I still love the thought of coming back home at 4:00 and seeing her, pouring out everything I learnt at school, everything I heard at school. And of course, that “You’re back” hug.
“See, every time I roll my eyes at you, or act mean, it’s because all I want from you is niceness and love and care ^_^.”
Every day, for 16 years, she stood by me, when no one else was ever behind me. And it was the same for a great many of us.
This year, she’s …. It’s old. She’s growing old. Her back aches, she tires out too soon, there are too many wrinkles.  I watch her, childhood nightmares returning.
I can’t imagine what life would have been without her, or if she was different from what she is now.
“Stay with me forever okay?”
She’s amazing. Each and every one of them are amazing. And Lily Potter taught us that, Her sacrifice is the biggest, ever.
Her love, will always be unconditional.
She, is my mother.
Happy Birthday Mom.
Thank You.
~Ushashi
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• Ambitions •

[This is to the ones that are new high school goers – cheers!]

Until last year, ideas were superficial and though dreams were big, efforts were little. Things were going fine. Everything seemed…perfect.
And then we took the huge leap and entered the realm of high school.

The world turned upside down for so many, myself included. Becoming the seniors of school. Straining a few friendships. Increasing distances. Stepping out of the warmth and suddenly, running the race.
And now, the ideas can’t be superficial anymore. The dreams have to be cut to our capabilities, and the efforts have to be immense.

Some  have it carefully planned out. Which entrance to appear for, which college to go to, which subject to take up, the alternative options, everything. Books for this exam and that. Coaching classes for best medical seats, special schools for a sure engineering placement. Entering the factory and coming out as default products. Being pushed onto the track and running.

Some, don’t. On being asked what’s after 12th grade, someone told me “I don’t know!” Another one tells me, “Architecture”, when she’s actually studying for the medical entrance exam. A certain friend said, “I wanna model.” And the girl in the front bench in class? “Aspiring photographer,” came the reply.

If someone told this last year or the year before that, a shrug or a small laugh or a displeased smile would be returned.

Now? We’re all the in race, and we know what it’s like. The questions that linger around our heads are all the same. The future, though thought of, is as blurry as a foggy winter day. We don’t know where we all will end up. Where this road is taking us. Whether we’re in a trance or we’re actually walking. Despite the uncertainty, it’s nice to see the vivid ambitions of same aged people. It feels good to know that there are people out there having queer dreams to achieve, just like me.

Nevertheless, all the very best to everyone out there, tirelessly striving for something that may or may not be the end result. I most certainly hope you WILL get there. I hope I see you design that building, you on the cover of that magazine and you touring the world to capture moments.
Good luck, and see you there.

 

~Ushashi

Avada Kedavra

Okay, so this is exhausting.It’s like a story is beating inside of me but I just cannot get it out.I’m failing sciences that should run in my blood.I’m stumbling at every obstacle. I’m losing it. I’m slowly yet surely letting my capabilities pass through my fingers. I keep forgetting to trust. I am more aware of my incompetencies than my immediate surroundings.I keep forgetting to tell you how much I love you. All my senses have been dulled by fear and chaos. Is it too late? I don’t know. But it seems that there is no escape route. I will have to struggle. I will have to writhe in pain whilst everybody has the right to watch.They watch and shout as the skin slowly falls off my body and my blood stains the arena an ugly black. Some severe ties- don’t look back as I extend a raw arm towards them.

At a point like this in my life, I have finally stopped being an atheist. Because to have no one to blame for this, would hurt too much.