XV

Hello! I don’t usually do happy and normal posts so I’m sort of scared about this since depression is my forte!
SO, here goes.

What is a year?
Up until 2015, years were just a random assortment of days- a jamboree of the good, the bad and the ugly. But as a new year approaches this time, nothing appeals to me more than the thought of starting over anew.
So in the year that went by, I grew up. Yes- a year did what 14 couldn’t. A person who last met me in 2014 probably won’t even recognise me now- I’ve chopped off the hair and shed some weight. And most importantly I’ve matured. I’m not the helium balloon I used to be- joyous and buoyant. I am more grounded. I’m calm and collected. And definitely really proud of the fact that I’ve come this far (:
What made this year so incredible were the situations I was put in, the decisions I took, the dilemma I faced and the people I met. Oh, the people. So many of them. And I’m glad I took this leap- after all what have we got other than alitlle bit of courage and big dreams? Taking the leap from familiarity into the unknown was MY choice. And I am glad I made this choice.
I have learnt a lot from the people I met this year. The deserve a lot more than just a thank you, but that’s all I can give them.

I learnt that it doesn’t matter if your baby slams doors or makes you proud. It doesn’t matter if she falls or soars high- you will love her through it all. Thank you Maa and Papou.
I learnt that if you’re ‘mast’ at heart, nobody/nothing can defeat you. You’ve always got to let yourself dance to the way you’re heart is beating. Thank you and I love you, Surya.
I’ve learnt that it’s okay to love someone with all you’ve got. It’s okay to cry for them and writhe in pain and then admit it. You’re my hero. I thank you, Sheesh.
I’ve learnt that you can find a home miles away from home and be happy. I’ve learnt from you that it’s good to look for happiness even in the smallest of things. Thank you and God bless you, Usu.
I’ve learnt that even the most perverted people have the purest hearts. No matter how much we fight and how much we argue over the smallest of things, you have a special place in my heart. And when you trust me blindly and confess things, you have no idea how happy I feel. I swear I will never break you trust. Never. Thank you and rock on, PK.
These two incredible girls have given me the most incredible relationship advice. They’ve taught me that there may be fights, but your man, is YOUR man. Thank you Shayni and Sawana. We are every body’s squad goals. ❤
And lastly, this one person. Yes, you. I know you’re reading this (because I coaxed you into reading it).
If I start listing all the things he has taught me, I will run out of space. He’s taught me taht bad things can happen to you and you can still gravitate towards the light. He’s taught me that you can be born a Duke and can a die a King. You are more to me than you think. You’re my friend, brother, saviour, protector and more (hoping you haven’t given up yet xD). I thank you. I wanted to write more but then it would get embarrassing. I thank you. 🙂

Phwew. So that’s how my year was. If this post touched you in some way or the other, I’m glad.

Happy New Year.
~Love, Adrija.

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XV


 So here we are. Nearly at the end of another long, exhausting year. As far as my young 17 year old memory goes, this year was like no other. And I don’t imply too much positivity when I say ‘no other’. 

This year, was tough. It was a path full of glass shards and rose thorns. The moon was so close yet so far and I kept bleeding to reach it. Now I feel like a crossroad is approaching. Perhaps I can take another road… 

This year was full of revelations, unfathomable distances and tears. I lost. I felt defeated. People I met six months ago are upset with me.  I haven’t seen my best friend in so long. I haven’t smelt a good book in ages. I haven’t seen proper numbers on my answer sheets for a long time. 


But at the same moment, I found New. New people, new smiles, new corridors. New beginnings. I reunited with people I left behind ten years ago. Now that, was bliss. 
If they are reading this piece, know that I am thanking you profusely. You all added the undeniable little sparkle to my year. I loved having you around. I loved how your hugs felt warm, though different. 

At the end of three hundred and sixty four days, my mind is an undecipherable puzzle and my heart is a disoriented blend of derelict feelings, absurd fantasies, happy, sad, light and heavy and perhaps, still in my last vacation spot. 
Do I want to untangle it? No. This is exactly how I like it. Wandering, dauntless, adoring. 

Goodbye, 2015. I’m ready to embrace more New because now, I know how to do it. 


~Love, Ushashi. 

Redemption.

As
I make my way down the stairs, the arms claw at me relentlessly. Their palms are clammy- just like mine. The fingers curl and uncurl as I pull away- one step at a time. My gut burns; I feel like my lungs are being charred. Yet I walk- towards redemption. Out of a labyrinth society has structured for me. I see Mama’a face. I see the newspaper boy, my math teacher. I see the fuckboy- naked and screaming.But I trudge on. Despite the blood curdling screams. Despite the shards of glass piercing my skin.
They judge me.
Peck at me with their grimy beaks.
“This one’s rotten.”, I hear someone say.
“Hmm.Not like the rest, is it?”, the other whispers.
“DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE….”, they all chant in unison.
And suddenly the faces take form and rise above me as I sink beneath the clamour…….
And the I wake up.
Sweat sticks to me like second skin. I wash my face, take a bath, brush, comb my hair. Knot my tie. Eat my cereal. Pray.

 And the dream? It begins again.

Know.

Know in your heart that
you’ll find me there
beyond the seas of social protocol
where all truths will be laid bare

Know in your heart that
I don’t belong here
in a world that’s hiding beneath lies
where love is suppressed by fear

Know in your heart that
we deserve more
than bullets and blood
than rejection and closed doors

Know in your heart that
there will  be acceptance
of emotions and dreams
and you can choose your friends

Know in your heart
there are stars in the night
and we can make history
under the watch of that taciturn satellite.