A glass of Coca Cola in my hand, I stand among a group of people from the widest array of nations ever possible, some even from countries I’ve never heard of, while intense music plays in the background and there’s a party in progress.
It’s my first party in the most unknown of places. And I’m enjoying, truly. Shaking hands with so many new people, catching up on their lives, sharing stories from mine. I’m even shaking a leg with these people I just met.
—∞—
But something is out of place. There’s something unusual I can’t point out. I don’t feel like myself. The person I was before I came to University. The person I was when I lived with my family. The person I was when I was around my “squad” from high school. Suddenly, I’m waking up on time, I’m going to my meals without my mom calling me, I’m going shopping on my own, and hell, I’m even keeping my room clean. I’m suddenly making new friends, not knowing if I will ever find another squad of friends that will make me laugh like I used to and missing people and places I never thought I would.
I see my face in the mirror and I don’t recognise myself.
This enterprise is scary. Feeling like a different person is scary. And I’m terrified of embracing the responsibilities that will be imposed on me with each passing day, because I don’t know what that’ll make me.
They say it’ll make me a better person. That I’ll know what the world is like. That I’ll be more confident. That this change is for the good.
But I’m standing in front of the ugly, early stages of reality and I don’t know whether what they said is true.
—∞—
And so, I am constantly shunning away daunting thoughts about responsibilities, and instead thinking about my time in high school and at home and what used to be usual. I don’t want to fight the battles that are advancing towards me.
I am precisely drowning in the fear of the uncertain.
Am I ready for this? Will everything be alright? Will I truly become what they said I will?
Only time will tell.
—∞—
September 2nd, 2017.
Stay tuned for an update.
~Ushashi
The Misfits 